New Study Confirms Cats Can’t Spread COVID-19, But Would If Given Option

A new study out of the University of Washington has left local pet owners with mixed emotions after scientists confirmed that their beloved pet cats cannot spread the COVID-19 virus, but definitely would knowingly and willingly do so if given the option.

“While previous studies confirmed that felines are susceptible to contracting COVID-19, their species apparently suffers no ill effects and does not present a risk as a disease vector. That being said, those little fuckers definitely would infect each and every one of you if they could,” said UW infectious disease researcher Herbert Grant. “We have witnessed common household cats exhibit unique behavior we believe is an attempt to deliberately spread contagion. Feline subjects were observed coughing onto their human’s toothbrushes, prolonging lapses in normal paw hygiene, and rushing out to greet delivery workers before showering their owners with what the cat wants you to believe is affection. The study’s conclusion was clear: Your cat wants you to contract COVID-19.”⁣

While the scientific community has come to a near consensus on feline attempts to spread the novel coronavirus, many faithful pet owners are completely and utterly unsurprised.

“Oh, this news doesn’t shock me in the slightest – this little asshole definitely wants me dead,” said Steven Gonzales, Fremont resident and cat owner. “At least once a week he walks between my legs just as I start walking down the stairs, trying to trip me so I break my neck. And I know this sounds crazy, but I woke up one night with my pillow over my face and I’m like 99% sure this little bastard was trying to smother me. Fucked-up little David Purr-kowtiz running around my house, I’m onto you, you little asshole. He does this cute thing when a bird shows up on TV, though … tries to catch it and shit. He’s alright. Seriously though, you should probably leave before nightfall. It’s not safe.”

Researchers were quick to reassure the public that while your cat’s ceaseless attempts to spread a highly infectious disease to you is certainly cause for concern, their actions are significantly less harmful than your average middle-aged woman with a Facebook account.